Thursday, August 12, 2010

Cut It Out!

 Bell pepper plant from our garden, 2010
 First, let me say that it is not my intention for this blog to be about my husband, but my girls insist that they only enjoy my blog when I write about their dad.  If you've ever seen a Tyler Perry movie you know that they are never very interesting unless Madea shows up.  Then they are hysterical.  My husband is the Madea of my blog.  (Sorry honey, but you are so much funnier than I am, and I know you'd do anything for your girls.)  Okay girls, this is for you...

Some people think my husband is very serious, and he definitely can be at times.  But sometimes he just does the funniest stuff.  Like the time he put cooked bacon in foil and placed it on my youngest daughter's pillow so the boys would not eat it before she got some.  He was serious, but we found his choice of "hiding places" amusing.  Somehow bacon on a pillow is just funny.

Of course, some things are not funny until years later when the shock has worn off.  This is especially true if he gets some instrument in his hand that has the ability to CUT things to pieces.   Let me give you a little background....

Daughter  #2 was recently asked to describe her dad.  She pretty much summed it up when she said, "He'll serve you to death."  Yep, that's true.  He'll run errands, fix stuff, feed you to the gills, and just about anything you can think of that involves a task.  He shows his love to us by doing.  It really is quite remarkable and his willingness to help and serve makes us all very proud of him.  But, as daughter #2 once said, "We pay a price."

Yep, we do. 
Early in our marriage I had no idea that I had married such a helpful man.  It started to sink in the year my grandmother ordered some nice Jackson and Perkins roses to add to the landscaping in the front yard.  Those roses were a lot of work.  I did all the feeding and dusting and watering.  I was constantly on the lookout for the dreaded mold that could spell trouble for those pricey little things.  I remember the day the first one bloomed.  I had noticed it earlier in the day and just smiled inside knowing I had helped grow something so beautiful.   Later while I was cooking dinner my husband walked into the kitchen and in a romantic gesture handed me that beautiful pink rose.  I was stunned.  He cut my rose.  I could not believe it.  He cut my rose!  My first rose!  He thought I would be happy.  I was not.  I told him I knew he was trying to be sweet but that if he wanted to give me flowers he should buy some at Kroger.

We enjoyed a beautiful summer of blossoms and I eventually became a little less uptight about them.  Sometime in about September or October I was heading out the door to go to work.  My husband was seeing me off.   He stood on the front porch as I casually commented on  my way to the car how the roses were about finished blooming for the season and would need to be pruned.  All I can say is be careful what you wish for.  No one could ever accuse my husband of being slow to act.  When I returned home that evening he had pruned them.....right down to the bud union.   I don't know who was more shocked, me or the roses.   They never recovered.  Thankfully, I did.  I hope I was nice about it.

Unfortunately, it took one more time of saying something casually as I was leaving for work before I learned my lesson.  Summer was getting close and I commented to him that daughter #1 would soon need some new shorts.  That day I came home and there were at least 6 pairs of shorts laying on the kitchen counter.  Did he go shopping for new shorts?  Of course not, especially since there was an obvious solution right there in the kitchen junk drawer.  Scissors.  Yes, he had taken every pair of jeans she owned and cut them off above the knees.  He was so proud of himself for finding an "inexpensive" solution.  We then had to buy new jeans.  I think I was nice about it.

CUTTING INCIDENT #4 (and 5 and 6 and 7 and....)
Shrubs.  I always get nervous when he gets out the hedge trimmers.  We agree they need to be trimmed, but he and I have never seen eye to eye about just how much to trim off.  As far as he is concerned, more is better.  I'm a little more conservative.  What makes this more comical is that once he gets that trimmer buzzing he can't hear a word I'm saying (or maybe he just pretends he can't).  There I am yelling stuff and waving my arms and he just proceeds to haphazardly chop the crap out of those things. His favorite comment is, "Aw, it'll grow back!"  I can only hope.  In the meantime it looks hideous.  He says it "looks good from the road."   Oh my word.   I am usually nice about it though.

CUTTING INCIDENT ....# (lost count)
We bought a hair trimmer.  Big mistake.  I don't cut hair, so there is only one other person who would even use the thing.  You guessed it.  My husband.  He waited until I was not home, and the boys found out the hard way what a haircut looks like if you don't use a guard on your trimmer.  The boys looked like they had cancer.  ("Aw, it'll grow back.") I'm sure the boys were wondering what my reaction would be. After what I am sure was a totally spontaneous exclamation of shock and awe, I did the only thing I could think of.  I just let it go.  The boys then decided it was cool.  At least we were nice about it.

In order to provide a little produce to supplement our grocery budget we planted a garden this year.  We planted 4 tomato plants, 2 cucumber plants, and 2 bell pepper plants.   One day while heading to my car I  was on the phone with my mom when I stopped to look at the garden.  There were now 4 tomato plants, 2 cucumber plants, and only 1 bell pepper plant.  This time I totally bypassed shock (no longer physically possible) and went straight to acceptance. I told her that my dear husband had no doubt chopped it down with the weed eater.  She empathized.  I know this time I was nice because I didn't even say a word to him about it.  He just thought I hadn't noticed. He got caught 2 days later when he told my parents what he'd done and not to say anything to me since I had not noticed yet.  Oh, I knew....and so did my mother.  Oh well.

There is a definite pattern here, don't you think?  If you ever need something cut, trimmed, chopped, annihilated, destroyed, or shaved.....you know who to call.  He is always more than happy to help.  The only thing I ask is that you be nice to him. 

The bottom line is that I always knew my husband had the best of intentions in every single situation, so that made it easier not to get mad at him.   Besides, I prefer laughing anyway...and he sure makes me laugh.

Thanks honey.


  1. lol--this is priceless. Keep that man out of the garden!

  2. I suggest you lock up all scissors, trimmers, knives, weed eaters, mowers, etc. Although, sure did make for a good story.

  3. I laughed out loud at every single story. Have you had him prune dead branches out of trees?